How Not To Fall in Love and Still Get What You Want

Article author: Ernest Quansah

The idea that one should not fall in love and still get what he or she wants out of the relationship may shock you, but it is a reality. I have had many people ask if true love even exists anymore.  It actually does and has since the beginning of the human race. If you don’t know how to fly a plane, you think it is difficult and perhaps even dangerous. But you know for yourself that each day, there are thousands of flights in the sky above. Love-relationship success is the same. If you don’t know how to go about it in the right way, you will think true love does not exist, yet each day, each week, and each month, there are many couples that find true love.

There are a number of ways you find true love. I will discuss one:

You never go into a love relationship out of love. Let me explain. When you see a man or woman that you want to be with and then you pursue the person, you do so not out of love, but rather, because of what you hope to get from the person. When the person agrees to be in a relationship with you and gives you what you want; for example, love, respect, companionship, etc., if all goes well, feelings develop and the two of you fall truly in love with each other. This is, generally, how people fall in love. It starts out by you wanting something from another person.

Before you dispute this, give me a chance to explain further. When you see a man or woman that you feel you would like to take home to mom and dad, the reality is that you are pursuing that person not because they love you, but because you want something from that person. This is an act of selfishness and we all do it. Selfishness is just a part of our daily lifestyle. Seeking another person’s love out of selfishness does not mean that the person will not love you back and that the relationship will not evolve into a marriage.

A love relationship may begin with one of these forms: A relationship of sexual utility, a relationship for pleasure, and a relationship of goodness. Depending on the circumstances, you may be conscious and even intentionally plan to go through these three forms in stages.

Let’s have a look at the three forms of love relationships:

  1. A relationship of sexual utility: This form of relationship is blatantly self-serving. The name for this type of relationship has evolved from “one-night-stands” and “hook-ups”. Decades ago, men were more often known for this behaviour. However, women have now also been known to have the same approach toward relationship. As you know, even some married people join sex clubs where they swap spouses for sex. A relationship for sexual utility is the type of relationship where you use another person purely for sex—no strings attached.
  2. A relationship for pleasure: If a man walks up to a woman in a park or on a city street and tells her that he wants to have her as a sex partner, he can be arrested if she calls law enforcement. However, if he complements her, talks to her nicely and exchanges phone numbers with her, and they began to date, once they become sexually intimate, the man whose intention was to have sex regularly can now offer to have relationship with the woman. If she agrees, the man now can sleep with her on a regular basis. He has fulfilled his desire by having a woman to sleep with by using a different approach other than directly asking her to be his sexual partner. Unlike the relationship of sexual utility, where are with someone for sex for just one night or one evening, in relationship for pleasure, you look to the person who is now your mate to regularly meet your sexual needs.
  3. A relationship of goodness: This type of relationship has both the above facets to relationship, but offers more. Generally, this type of relationship has fidelity as its basis and leads to marriage. Many women over thirty seeking to settle down and have a family, tend to look for this type of relationship. Depending on how anxious the woman is to bare children, she may go as far as to ask the man at the beginning of the relationship if he is looking settle down. A person who is looking to settle will sometimes pass through the two above types of relationship in order to find a relationship of goodness.

Just because one sets out by seeking a relationship of sexual utility or a relationship for pleasure does not mean that their relationship will not turn into a relationship of goodness. In many cases, they often do. As the two people become attracted and have sexual relations, they may begin to see the potential for a long-term relationship and consider marriage.

One of the questions women have when they are dating is if the man loves them enough to marry them. I have also had men ask me how they can know if their girlfriends love them enough to think of them for marriage and to father their children. There is a way of that men can determine this. Here are two examples:

How to know if she wants to marry you

The majority of women in their 30s and above are looking to settle down in a relationship, hoping that it will turn into a marriage. Some even ask the man if he is looking to settle down on the first date.  Overall, a woman who meets or dates a man she wants to marry will introduce the man to her family rather quickly. Some will go as far as to tell their parents about the man before they have even discussed having a long-term relationship with the man. When a woman informs her parents or takes her boyfriend to meet her parents, it is a clear indication that she has marriage on her mind. Men need to understand that. Unlike with men, the introduction is not to seek her parent’s approval, but to ask for their blessings. Women have a natural sense of what is in their best interest.  This allows them to think ahead. For example, if a woman senses that her parents might not like her boyfriend, during the introduction, rather than wait for her parents to voice their opinion, she will extol the boyfriends’ virtues to silence her parent’s opinion of him. An introduction where she extols his virtues is a good clue that she wants to marry him. But remember that no parents want their baby girl to fall into the wrong hands.  And know that one of the most important things women themselves say they want from a marriage is just to be happy. If you, the man, are concerned that her parents don’t care for you, how about giving them a good impression by saying something like, “She is a blessing in my life. I will make her happy.”  If a man learns this simple trick, he will be able to turn around the opinion of his potential in-laws.

How to know if when a man wants to marry you

At some point, almost all adult women who are in a relationship wonder if their partner would like to marry them. Men decide on marriage differently than woman. If a man has never been with a very attractive and suitable woman in his life and finally finds one, he will try to get her to marry him so that he can keep her to himself. Some men will offer marriage if the woman is a form of trophy that they want to show off. This is common in the fashion industry where famous and very rich men want models as partners in order to show off. In general, a man has to see something he has been looking for in a woman he is having a relationship with in order to propose marriage. That said, women should know that when a man introduces his partner to his friends, followed by introducing her to his family members, like with women, it indicates he is interested in marrying her. In my experience, many men follow these steps to gauge how well the woman is accepted by his friends and family and to see what they think of her. When he introduces his partner to his parents, it is usually to see how his mom feels about her. Whereas women seek their parent’s blessings to marry, men seek approval from both friends and family. Plus, they are often still “mamma’s boys” trying to please their moms.

If you are a woman concerned that your partner’s parents may not receive you well, try a preemptive strike. No parent wants their beloved son to end up marrying someone unsuitable, when they have painstakingly raised the boy from birth to adulthood. Whether you are in agreement with me or not will not change how a parent feels about their son and the person he wants to marry. For a woman to win over the parent’s of her partner, she should use, what I call, POWER STATEMENTS. Here is one example:  “I will take good care of him.” One of the things that I have come to learn from parents is that they are most concerned about how their son is being treated by his wife. Even the mother of one of my closest friends of 20 years asked me the same question one day when I ran into her: “Ernest, you know Mark. Is he happy? Is Louis taking good care of him?”

How a mother feels her son is doing has a great impact on how she feels, in general. Your job is not to change that but to assist her in that respect. If a woman understands this simple principle, her potential in-laws will come to feel their son is in the right hands.

How to make it happen for you

As we age, the concern many have is “how to make it happen”. There is research that shows that many women over thirty will marry knowing quite well that they are marrying the wrong man and that the marriage has a greater chance of failure than success—still they go ahead and marry the man anyway. You can make it happen for you with the right man or woman at any age. It is not as difficult as it is made out to be. The first step is to get noticed.