How to Find True Love

Article author: Ernest Quansah

The words “how to find love” sound almost sad. They penetrate the heart and mind as if to indicate that they come from a man or woman struggling to know how to find love. But finding true love is something that eludes millions of lovers and couples alike. You go into a relationship hoping you have found THE ONE just to be disappointed. For many of you, the cycle seems to repeat itself. So how do you find love?

Before we discuss this, there are a number of reasons why, for many people, finding love is a challenge. It is very important that we get that out of our own way. Below are my top reasons why most relationships and marriages fail within the first three years.

Many years ago, the number one cause of divorce was related to finances. These days, however, that is no longer the case. Break-ups and divorces are commonly caused by an accumulation of problems. The most common problems are:

Not following your intuition: Some years ago, I interviewed a number of divorced men and women. I asked what, in their own heart, they believed the cause of the demise of their marriage was. The most common answer I received was that they knew they were wrong for each other but they married anyway in the hope that the marriage would work. I have heard this so many times. Others told me that prior to their marriage, their parents told them that they had a feeling their child was marrying the wrong man or woman.

 Not wanting to be alone: Second, why is it that most people—particularly women, according to research—refuse to listen to their intuition; their gut feeling? The answer to that question is really simple. They don’t want to be alone. For many adults, especially those in their mid to late thirties, a chance for marriage may be the closest they will ever come to having a spouse, so they go ahead and marry, even if the RED FLAG is being waved at them.

Lack of preparation: Third is the lack of preparation. Even when two people feel that they are made for each other, that alone will not protect their love relationship or marriage. Here is what I mean by that. When you go out and buy a brand-new car and pay if off in cash, the car becomes your personal property. It is yours. It belongs to you. No one can take it away from you. However, if you decide not to learn how to drive properly and you go out speeding and crash the car so that it is totaled, you have no one to blame for losing the car but yourself. You drove the car into a tree and destroyed it. The car did not destroy itself. When something belongs to you, it is up to you to take care of it so that it lasts. That is how the world works. Love relationships are no different. If you are in one or are married, but choose to treat your significant other in a manner that causes the person to leave, the end result is due to your own actions, not because the two of you didn’t belong together.

Unwillingness to listen: Last is the unwillingness to listen. I don’t know why that is. The world is far more advanced than it has ever been. Everything you need to be happy is around you. The information for succeeding in marriage is around you and everyone else. Despite the advancement in knowledge, one thing that we are not good at is listening. For example: the people who I asked about the cause of their divorce all had one thing in common—they didn’t want to listen. This included listening to their gut feeling—their intuition. Even those who knew that they were marrying the wrong person did so because they did not listen to that small voice that whispered to them, “Don’t do it,” or “He is not the one,” or “She is not the one.” It comes down to—you guessed it—DECISION MAKING. How do you find love? Make decisions that will yield the desired result. Listen to your intuition when you are looking for love. It is okay to be alone while you try to find your true love. Then, when you have found love, be prepared to nurture it. Finally, listen by taking good advice and applying it. The doing part is the only way to accomplish your desire to find love.

7 Secrets to Chart Your Course to Success in Love Relationships

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

Achieving success in a love relationship is not as difficult as it might seem. Just like anything, the first step is knowing how to go about it in the right way.

Men and women go into love relationships hoping they’ve made the right choice. Many think they’ve found “the one” and anticipate endless happiness, only to be disappointed yet again. Why is it so difficult to find the right person to love and who will love you back when we all hope that someday we will find true love? This hope—fed by a need to find acceptance, to be cared for, to feel safe and secure—is the driving force that keeps us searching after each failed relationship. And our need to be loved is perfectly natural, regardless of whether we come from a liberal background or a strict one.

Call me an eternal optimist, but I believe, as the saying goes, “There’s a right shoe for every foot.” Here are some basic steps to follow that will change your love life and make you the envy of your friends.

Secret 1: Know what you want. Clearly decide what it is that you hope to find in a love relationship. For example, is it happiness that you want? Is it just companionship? When you have defined what it is that you want, you need to find someone who is heading in the same direction.

Secret 2: Be strategic. The secret to finding lasting love begins with dating, so your dating approach must be strategic. For example, in many businesses, the objective is to provide certain services in exchange for a profit. Apply a similar approach to your love life. When you meet someone, ask yourself, how will having a love relationship with this person improve my life or give me what it is that I hope to gain?

Secret 3: Have a powerful incentive. People today are very cynical. They are used to being “sold to” and are looking for authenticity. Bring something to the table that will give your love interest a reason to commit to a long-term love relationship with you. People, for the most part, respond very well to incentives. I cannot stress this enough.

While I do not wish to preach, here is an example to illustrate how critical incentives are in causing people to act. Millions of people live a certain way in the hope that, at the time of death, they will inherit a mansion and a good life in heaven. If God sees it fit to offer the inheritance of a mansion and a good life in heaven as an incentive to cause people to act in a good way, can you understand why you cannot present yourself for a relationship without offering an incentive?

Secret 4: Seek confirmation. This next step is essential. Before you start the relationship, avoid another disappointment by seeking confirmation that the two of you belong together. Without confirmation, if you encounter problems early on, you might just leave the relationship. On the other hand, if you receive confirmation that the two of you belong together, you are likely to exercise the required patience. You can receive confirmation by taking time to ponder if the two of you are truly compatible and allow the answer to be revealed to you.

Secret 5: Nurture the relationship. It is very important to understand that no love relationship offers 100% of what the two people in it want. Often, what is missing can be added. For example, if your partner has no cooking skills, the two of you can learn how to cook together. Take up an evening cooking course. This can be loads of fun, and it beats finding fault in your partner because they don’t know the difference between the techniques of pan, sear, and sauté.

Secret 6: Be emotionally available. Be there for each other. Be each other’s number one best friend and remember that women love to be part of what their men like. For example, if you, the man, like a certain sport, include your partner in some way.

Celebrate one another’s successes and at the end of a day, but when everything has gone terribly wrong on a particular day, then provide a shoulder to cry on. Men, in particular, must learn this simple secret. When your partner has a problem and wants to talk, don’t prevent her by saying she will be okay. Know she will not be okay without support. Stop what you are doing and listen. She just wants to vent or cry and then she will be fine.

Secret 7: Have an exit strategy. We all go into relationships hoping we’ll find what we’re looking for—mostly happiness. Sometimes we inadvertently cause our relationship or marriage to end. My advice to you is simple in this regard. Have an exit strategy in advance: a way to exit with dignity and grace. Experts suggest that each of you should have your own financial identity. Then, if your companion or spouse decides to leave, you are financially prepared to support yourself.

In my experience, if men and women can follow these seven simple pieces of advice, their love relationship will blossom.

Successful Marriage

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

How to have a successful marriage contains a secret that actually very few people know and apply. The best way to illustrate this is with a true story based on the successful marriage between Prince William and Kate Middleton. The two did something that most new couples refuse to even consider, let alone decide to do. What did they do that was different from what most other men and women seeking a successful marriage do? Years before William’s marriage to Kate, Princess Diana told her son her young son something that I have been telling my clients for years. I will reveal this simple key to a successful marriage soon.

As I have experienced, I am sure you too have undergone heartbreak, at some point in your life. It is a painful if you are in love and get “dumped,” isn’t it? Often, people go into a relationship—it may be marriage—and later find that they have selected the wrong person. In some cases, they may know that they are selecting the wrong person, but choose to go ahead with the relationship anyway. Once the mistake is acknowledged, what often happens is an attempt to try and fix the relationship. Princess Diana went through this experience when she refused to give Prince Charles a divorce. But she did learn a great deal from her own mistake and experience and passed on her knowledge to her son William. What is the knowledge she passed on to him—the secret to a successful marriage?

A number of years ago when I began doing relationship coaching and counselling, there was  one critical piece of advice I gave my clients and I insisted they practice. I have been adamant about this suggestion, so much so that when I wrote my first book, How to Identify Your Soulmate, back in 2004, I dedicated a whole page to the subject. At that time, I didn’t have a clue that Princess Diana had given her son, Prince William, the same advice. I only heard this just prior to William and Kate’s wedding when I was watching a documentary on the royal family.

The advice I am referring to has been researched extensively by The Gottman Institute, which has the world’s leading researchers on relationships and marriage success. They have more Ph.Ds working on this subject than any other private institution and are often quoted by top religious organizations and other large groups worldwide.

So do you know what Princess Diana told William to do before he got married? She advised him not to marry any woman unless SHE WAS HIS FRIEND FIRST. In other words, be friends first before you decide to go into a love relationship and think of getting married. Doing so will give you and your love interest a chance:

  • To know if you are right for each
  • To find out if you are born for each other
  • To learn each other’s strengths and weaknesses
  • To understand what makes the other happy or sad.

The more that you know about your love interest, the better your chances of having a successful marriage or love relationship, provided that the two of you were made for each other and that you have an assurance to that effect.

Why is being friends first important? Besides helping you get to know each other, it enables you to adapt to each other, which is very important.  When this process is omitted and you begin to discover little things about each other while you are heavily invested in the relationship, insignificant things can ruin the relationship. For example, how many times have you become involved with another person and later said to yourself,” I didn’t know he/she had that problem.” Has that ever happened to you?

The Benefits of Being Friends First: So how can being friends first benefit you and help you find a successful marriage? The answer is something you already know subconsciously. For example, upon being asked out on a date or when deciding to ask someone out on a date, at the back of your mind, you must have wondered if the person was right for you? If the person asked you out, perhaps you told them, “But I don’t know you.” Such a response indicates that you wanted to know the person first. Why? This desire is generated from your heart. Your heart wants to protect you. It does not want you to get hurt, and it’s your heart’s way of protecting you by prompting you to get to know the person first before you get involved. What better way to get to know a person than to be friends with him or her first? The benefit does not end at the things you learn about each other. It goes far beyond the realm of basic human understanding. You also receive the confirmation whether the two of you are meant for each other or not. What I have just said is an extension of when you wondered if the person who asked you out on a date was the right one and you said to them, “But I don’t know you.”

What do I mean by extension? When you say to someone, “but I don’t know you,” your heart wants security. It wants you to have a safe and secure love relationship. It wants an assurance, confirmation that the two of you connect at the heart. The only way that can happen is through a friendship first, when the two of you give each other the chance to get to know each other.

The human heart is very powerful, isn’t it? Successful relationships and marriages can be achieved if you follow its instincts.

The late Princess Diana must have known something; she must have learned something on her own to lead her to advise her firstborn that he should not marry anyone unless the woman was his friend, first. Perhaps, what she was saying was that she wished she had been friends with Charles before getting married to him. That might have helped her know more about him before she got involved. It could also be that because she failed to develop a successful marriage, she did not want her son to experience the same.

My advice to you is the same as I give my clients. It is the same advice I followed myself before deciding to date my partner, enter the relationship, and get engaged. I followed this principle because I didn’t want to see my marriage end up in divorce and become another statistic. So… BE FRIENDS FIRST.

Interracial Dating Tips

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

Most people will find love within their own race or culture. But not every man or woman will. Remember, you have a product to sell—you! It is in your best interest to make your product available to everyone, not just certain people. As I have said before, just because you are of a certain race does not mean the only people who could love you will be of the same race. This is even more so now that the world, through the Internet, has become much, much smaller and people are beginning to notice the beauty in others besides those of their own race or culture. Leave no stone unturned! I can assure you that dating men or women from all cultures and ethnic backgrounds will greatly improve your chances of finding true love, especially if you find yourself attracted to a race other than your own. Being attracted to another race is a sign that you should consider dating someone from that race.
Before becoming involved, learn about the other person’s culture. Use what you have learned as conversation points on the first date. People will usually make a decision about you on the first date. Be very careful what you say on that first date when it is with someone from another culture. For example, when you are on a date with a Chinese man or woman, don’t ask if, in their culture, they have money gods that they worship. Just because you saw some individual on T.V in a particular environment and with particular habits, it does not mean all people from that nation live the same way. You’ll look stupid if you assume they do. Don’t ask your date, “Do people in your culture really do this or that?” Ask your date, “Could you tell me a little about your culture?” Also, prior to the first date, it is a good idea for you to send an e-mail asking your date if there is any behaviour that, in his or her culture, is not acceptable on a date.

 

Interracial dating tips:

  • In some Asian cultures, when a man is meeting the woman at a restaurant, it is quite acceptable for the woman to be up to forty minutes late and the man must wait. As far as some of those cultures are concerned, it shows that the man cares.

 

  • In North America, if you are going to be late on a date, it is expected that you call to inform of the delay.

 

  • If you are on a date with a Japanese woman for the first time and you compliment her beauty, she may accuse you of asking her on a date because of her looks. Instead, tell her that she is a good woman and discuss the character or personality traits that you like or admire about her, and she will be pleased.

 

  • Japanese women always wait after they are dropped off after a date by the man until he leaves. If you don’t know that, you might wait for her, thinking she will go into her house, while at the same time, she will wait outside for you to leave first. Knowing these small cultural norms shows that you care enough about the other person to learn something about his or her race, culture, and customs. Make a good impression or you might not have a second chance because Japanese women generally make quick decisions.

 

  • Did you know that Persians, on average, are far more academically educated than, say, North Americans? The women are some of the most educated and intelligent women one could ever meet. They often look you straight in the eye and pick your brain, so you better sharpen your thinking skills. They don’t believe in making a decision about a man after only a few dates, like North American or Japanese woman do. If they are interested, they generally wait and make their decision based on an accumulation of good or positive qualities they notice in the man. Consistently treat a Persian woman well and she will grow fond of you. Perhaps, the reasons for which a Persian woman selects a non-Persian man are psychological, because they are often not treated well by their own men.

 

  • If you are dating a black, realize that he or she does not necessarily know how to sing or do any of the things you might think blacks are good at. Remember the folly of putting too much credence into stereotypes.

 

  • Lastly, as I said above, learn things about the other person’s culture that will prevent your relationship from ending unnecessarily. For example, in Taiwanese, as well as Vietnamese cultures, when a woman becomes a little frustrated about telling the man something that does not make sense to the man, the woman will ask him, “Are you stupid? Are you stupid?” According to people I interviewed from that culture, it is just the way they express and is not considered a criticism. Suppose you are not from that culture and are dating a woman from that race, and one day she asks you if you are stupid over something minor, and you don’t know about that customary manner, will you feel insulted? Probably.

 

The points I have given above are just general information. You should not assume that everyone of a certain race or culture will act in the manner I have described. Geographic location and other factors can greatly affect how men and women behave in an interracial relationship. For example, a black woman born and raised in Mauritius who migrates to Europe will usually conduct her love relationship with a European man differently than, say, a black woman born and raised in the U.S. whose parents emigrated from Mauritius.

Historically, despite the strict rules imposed on females in their cultures, women are more likely to date outside their own race than men. In many cultures—e.g., Chinese, Japanese, and Korean—interracial relationships were forbidden but are now slowly being accepted. The Middle Eastern cultures are still a little behind the times in this area. Be aware of that. Sometimes, the issue is not the person’s feelings that prevent them from entering a relationship with a person from another culture, but rather, their religious belief system. For example, Hindus and Punjabis generally don’t consider Persian Muslims for relationship. Similarly, a Buddhist will often not believe in having a relationship with a Christian. Respect people’s cultures and beliefs, even if you don’t agree with or accept everything they do or believe.

 

Is it always a good idea to be willing to go into an interracial relationship? No, not always.

Marriage Advice: How to Make Your Spouse Love You Forever

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

Two of the most significant pieces of marriage advice that I can offer are very simple and yet they are the most effective in keeping lovers and couples together. Despite the relationship problems and marriage problems that many people are faced with, couples can make their significant other love them forever. And it is easy. In fact, there are two simple pieces of marriage advice you can follow to make your significant other love you forever. Many people go into a love relationship thinking that they need to do something spectacular or give their loved one expensive gifts to make their love relationship blossom. But the smallest and simplest acts make all the difference. In all love relationships, there are a number of small things you can do that will make your companion love you eternally. My recommendation is to “keep it simple.”

Marriage Advice number one: Greeting your companion at the door when he or she arrives home. Several years ago, a woman who was married to a very wealthy man in the U.S. found herself in a most disheartening position that would cause most married women to turn bitter and angry. One day, her multi-millionaire spouse asked her, “What do you do all day, anyway?” This simple question was the beginning of the end of their marriage. Within weeks, he had filed for divorce.

To prevent the woman from benefiting financially from the divorce, during the litigation, her rich husband’s lawyers descended upon her like wild animals and she dared not mount a challenge—perhaps that was the way the heavens had planned it so that she would be led into the arms of the right man, who would cherish her and make her happy.

After the divorce and lawyer’s fees, the woman ended up with six thousand five hundred dollars and her car. For three months, she slept in the back seat of her car. Imagine that. You may ask how something like this could have happened. The answer will surprise you. Statistics show that the more powerful a man is—where a man’s power is his money—the more likely he is to employ a skilled barrister; hence, he is able to retain most of his wealth after the divorce, according to one study conducted in North America by a researcher from the UK.

Continuing on with the story, one day the woman met a gentleman. He was slightly heavyset and balding. After she got to know him, she liked his personality and, of course, he was taken by her beauty. They started a romantic relationship which resulted in marriage. Each evening her new man arrived home before her. When she arrived home from work, he would always greet her at the door. There would be dinner waiting for both of them. Some nights he would rub her feet while they sat on the couch watching TV. When you are watching a show with your significant other, do you become so absorbed in the show that you ask your significant other to be quiet? That behaviour could damage the relationship. In this particular lady’s own words, “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” This was a comparison between her new husband and her ex-husband, who was one of the richest men in the U.S. at that time.

What did her new man do to command her love? He did the simple things that mean a lot. If I may explain it this way: You are home. You hear your significant other’s car pull into the driveway. Next you hear keys being inserted into the front door lock. You do nothing but go on with what you are doing: in this case, let’s say, watching television. Your companion comes into the house. You turn to greet him or her. Your companion sees you watching a show and snacking. Can you see how you may come across, as though a show on TV is far more important to you than the person whom you are supposed to love with all your heart?

Marriage Advice number two: Way back in 1992 while I was in Asia, I knew an American couple. They had been married for forty-five years. I still recall those two as if I met them yesterday. The wife told me something that her husband had done. As she began to share the experience, her face lit up. I knew then, that whatever it was that her husband had done must have left her with a lasting positive impression. Apparently, before bedtime, her husband would leave little notes under the pillow on her side of the bed. Other times, when she would wake up and go to the washroom, she would see a love note posted on the washroom mirror. Other days, a note was left on the fridge door.

These simple acts cost you no money and they can make all the difference; they calm the turbulence and the whirlwinds that could occur in your marriage.

If you are in a love relationship or a marriage and you know your spouse or common-law companion will usually go into the shower before you or likes to wake up to have a glass of milk in the middle of the night, leave a note somewhere he or she will see it. What should the note say? Imagine! You have just woken up at 2 AM to have a glass of milk. You see a note on the fridge door handle saying,” I love you” or “It is a blessing to have a man/woman like you in my life” or “You are the world’s greatest wife/husband.” Can you see how these simple acts will make your significant other feel?

Try these simple pieces of marriage advice and you will make your spouse love you forever.

How to Start a New Love Relationship (Courage to Change)

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

This is a story about a woman we will call Anne, a thirty-five-year-old woman who concluded that she could never find a man. She determined that loneliness was her fate and, thus,
went as far as accepting it as fact. Her case proves what I have discovered in advising single men and women: it does not matter what your circumstances are, every man or woman can and is able
to find a happy relationship or reach their potential by making the right choices.

Anne is a very beautiful and educated woman. When I began counseling her, I could see that beneath her beauty were a lot of problems that I could never have imagined. She had grown up in a family where she was led to believe that no man would ever want her. She was the best looking and best educated among her family members. Yet for many years she worked in the family business for minimum wage. The sad part was she was willing to work under those terms until the day she died, because she had accepted that she was the black sheep of the family.

One of the ideas I suggested to Anne, to help her to stop thinking she would never find love, was to start dating. But she was even afraid to date. When the suggestion was made, Anne declined, saying, “But who wants me? No man will date a woman like me.” I tried my very best to let Anne know that she was a very attractive woman. All she needed to do was believe there
was a man out there for her.

She was so concerned that no man would accept her, the thought of having to start dating made her cry. I personally began feeling sorry for her. I could not understand why she was so
afraid to venture out. I finally reached a point where the only choice I had left in my attempt to help Anne was to give her an ultimatum. I told her: “Anne, you can do it. I am willing
to help you, but if you are going to come to me for advice, only to make one excuse after the other, then why bother? Don’t waste my time. Anne, you must try. Give guys a chance to take you out at least in the daytime. If you are concerned, tell someone about your date, your date’s name and phone number, where you will be going and what time you should be arriving home.

“Don’t let your date pick you up from your mom’s house,” I told her. “Meet him somewhere in the open. This way he will not know where you live and you will not have to worry about him coming to look for you.” I proceeded to tell Anne that unless she was willing to try, I didn’t see any reason why she should continue coming to me for help.

At the same time, I knew a spiritual couple who were visiting from the U.S. I invited Anne to have dinner with me and the couple in the hopes that the woman could befriend Anne. Anne
told me she didn’t have any friends. The only people she saw were myself and a couple of friends I had introduced her to. Unfortunately, none of them wanted to befriend Anne, because she was so negative about everything. People simply did not want to be around her. After the dinner was over, we all began to converse.

I had tried to encourage Anne to leave home and be her own woman. As we talked after dinner, the woman began to share a story with Anne. The woman told Anne: “Once there was an eaglet
who grew up with ducks. When the eaglet grew strong wings to fly, the mother duck told the eaglet, ‘You hatched with ducks but you are not a duck. You are an eagle. Eagles don’t walk,
they fly. So fly away to be with eagles…’ The eaglet replied, ‘No, I am not an eagle. I am a duck. I cannot fly.’ The mother duck told the eagle, ‘Yes, you are an eagle. You were helped to hatch by a duck, but you are an eagle. You can fly.’ The eaglet was so afraid to try and replied, ‘No, I cannot fly. I am a duck—if I try to fly, I will fall.’

“The mother duck told the eaglet, ‘You are an eagle. You don’t belong here. Fly and be with your own kind and you will be much happier. Try, please try. Eagles fly, they don’t walk. You are an eagle. You can fly.’ The eagle thought for a minute. It began to stretch and flap its wings. It bounced around a little, then it jumped up and flew. As it lifted off the ground it realized
it could fly and began to soar in the air.”

We all sat and listened to this emotional story. I know I wept and so did Anne. I cared about Anne so much. I wanted her to find happiness. Not long after, and with a little encouragement
and support, Anne moved out of her parents’ basement. She found her own apartment and a full-time job at a local hotel. She began to date and met a man who cared for her. Although it was
difficult and frightening at first, Anne tried and when she did, she soared.

This real-life example shows that we can all find happiness and success if we choose to make the choices and do the things that bring us happiness and success. Anne only found success when she left her comfort zone and tried. In your love life, the only way to experience sure failure is if you don’t try; if you give up or try to hide behind excuses and justifications.

The eaglet eventually flew with eagles instead of walking with the ducks. This means, for example, in relationship, you can find love with your appropriate mate—not just any man or woman for the sake of having a lover. You can live your potential. But settling for unhealthy and mediocre relationships is not a way to find happiness. You can achieve your true potential in all
things if do your part.

You can tell from Anne’s story that despite her upbringing and life experiences, she was able to find happiness by making choices that brought her happiness. When Anne left her comfort
zone (like the eagle leaving the ducks), she reached her potential. Do you make choices that bring you stress and disappointment? Do you settle for relationships that bring you misery? What is your emotional well-being worth to you? Decide the kind of life and relationships you want. Then you will know what you need to do.

How Not To Fall in Love and Still Get What You Want

Article author: Ernest Quansah

The idea that one should not fall in love and still get what he or she wants out of the relationship may shock you, but it is a reality. I have had many people ask if true love even exists anymore.  It actually does and has since the beginning of the human race. If you don’t know how to fly a plane, you think it is difficult and perhaps even dangerous. But you know for yourself that each day, there are thousands of flights in the sky above. Love-relationship success is the same. If you don’t know how to go about it in the right way, you will think true love does not exist, yet each day, each week, and each month, there are many couples that find true love.

There are a number of ways you find true love. I will discuss one:

You never go into a love relationship out of love. Let me explain. When you see a man or woman that you want to be with and then you pursue the person, you do so not out of love, but rather, because of what you hope to get from the person. When the person agrees to be in a relationship with you and gives you what you want; for example, love, respect, companionship, etc., if all goes well, feelings develop and the two of you fall truly in love with each other. This is, generally, how people fall in love. It starts out by you wanting something from another person.

Before you dispute this, give me a chance to explain further. When you see a man or woman that you feel you would like to take home to mom and dad, the reality is that you are pursuing that person not because they love you, but because you want something from that person. This is an act of selfishness and we all do it. Selfishness is just a part of our daily lifestyle. Seeking another person’s love out of selfishness does not mean that the person will not love you back and that the relationship will not evolve into a marriage.

A love relationship may begin with one of these forms: A relationship of sexual utility, a relationship for pleasure, and a relationship of goodness. Depending on the circumstances, you may be conscious and even intentionally plan to go through these three forms in stages.

Let’s have a look at the three forms of love relationships:

  1. A relationship of sexual utility: This form of relationship is blatantly self-serving. The name for this type of relationship has evolved from “one-night-stands” and “hook-ups”. Decades ago, men were more often known for this behaviour. However, women have now also been known to have the same approach toward relationship. As you know, even some married people join sex clubs where they swap spouses for sex. A relationship for sexual utility is the type of relationship where you use another person purely for sex—no strings attached.
  2. A relationship for pleasure: If a man walks up to a woman in a park or on a city street and tells her that he wants to have her as a sex partner, he can be arrested if she calls law enforcement. However, if he complements her, talks to her nicely and exchanges phone numbers with her, and they began to date, once they become sexually intimate, the man whose intention was to have sex regularly can now offer to have relationship with the woman. If she agrees, the man now can sleep with her on a regular basis. He has fulfilled his desire by having a woman to sleep with by using a different approach other than directly asking her to be his sexual partner. Unlike the relationship of sexual utility, where are with someone for sex for just one night or one evening, in relationship for pleasure, you look to the person who is now your mate to regularly meet your sexual needs.
  3. A relationship of goodness: This type of relationship has both the above facets to relationship, but offers more. Generally, this type of relationship has fidelity as its basis and leads to marriage. Many women over thirty seeking to settle down and have a family, tend to look for this type of relationship. Depending on how anxious the woman is to bare children, she may go as far as to ask the man at the beginning of the relationship if he is looking settle down. A person who is looking to settle will sometimes pass through the two above types of relationship in order to find a relationship of goodness.

Just because one sets out by seeking a relationship of sexual utility or a relationship for pleasure does not mean that their relationship will not turn into a relationship of goodness. In many cases, they often do. As the two people become attracted and have sexual relations, they may begin to see the potential for a long-term relationship and consider marriage.

One of the questions women have when they are dating is if the man loves them enough to marry them. I have also had men ask me how they can know if their girlfriends love them enough to think of them for marriage and to father their children. There is a way of that men can determine this. Here are two examples:

How to know if she wants to marry you

The majority of women in their 30s and above are looking to settle down in a relationship, hoping that it will turn into a marriage. Some even ask the man if he is looking to settle down on the first date.  Overall, a woman who meets or dates a man she wants to marry will introduce the man to her family rather quickly. Some will go as far as to tell their parents about the man before they have even discussed having a long-term relationship with the man. When a woman informs her parents or takes her boyfriend to meet her parents, it is a clear indication that she has marriage on her mind. Men need to understand that. Unlike with men, the introduction is not to seek her parent’s approval, but to ask for their blessings. Women have a natural sense of what is in their best interest.  This allows them to think ahead. For example, if a woman senses that her parents might not like her boyfriend, during the introduction, rather than wait for her parents to voice their opinion, she will extol the boyfriends’ virtues to silence her parent’s opinion of him. An introduction where she extols his virtues is a good clue that she wants to marry him. But remember that no parents want their baby girl to fall into the wrong hands.  And know that one of the most important things women themselves say they want from a marriage is just to be happy. If you, the man, are concerned that her parents don’t care for you, how about giving them a good impression by saying something like, “She is a blessing in my life. I will make her happy.”  If a man learns this simple trick, he will be able to turn around the opinion of his potential in-laws.

How to know if when a man wants to marry you

At some point, almost all adult women who are in a relationship wonder if their partner would like to marry them. Men decide on marriage differently than woman. If a man has never been with a very attractive and suitable woman in his life and finally finds one, he will try to get her to marry him so that he can keep her to himself. Some men will offer marriage if the woman is a form of trophy that they want to show off. This is common in the fashion industry where famous and very rich men want models as partners in order to show off. In general, a man has to see something he has been looking for in a woman he is having a relationship with in order to propose marriage. That said, women should know that when a man introduces his partner to his friends, followed by introducing her to his family members, like with women, it indicates he is interested in marrying her. In my experience, many men follow these steps to gauge how well the woman is accepted by his friends and family and to see what they think of her. When he introduces his partner to his parents, it is usually to see how his mom feels about her. Whereas women seek their parent’s blessings to marry, men seek approval from both friends and family. Plus, they are often still “mamma’s boys” trying to please their moms.

If you are a woman concerned that your partner’s parents may not receive you well, try a preemptive strike. No parent wants their beloved son to end up marrying someone unsuitable, when they have painstakingly raised the boy from birth to adulthood. Whether you are in agreement with me or not will not change how a parent feels about their son and the person he wants to marry. For a woman to win over the parent’s of her partner, she should use, what I call, POWER STATEMENTS. Here is one example:  “I will take good care of him.” One of the things that I have come to learn from parents is that they are most concerned about how their son is being treated by his wife. Even the mother of one of my closest friends of 20 years asked me the same question one day when I ran into her: “Ernest, you know Mark. Is he happy? Is Louis taking good care of him?”

How a mother feels her son is doing has a great impact on how she feels, in general. Your job is not to change that but to assist her in that respect. If a woman understands this simple principle, her potential in-laws will come to feel their son is in the right hands.

How to make it happen for you

As we age, the concern many have is “how to make it happen”. There is research that shows that many women over thirty will marry knowing quite well that they are marrying the wrong man and that the marriage has a greater chance of failure than success—still they go ahead and marry the man anyway. You can make it happen for you with the right man or woman at any age. It is not as difficult as it is made out to be. The first step is to get noticed.

Fault-finding: A True Relationship Killer

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

Fault-finding is toxic, dangerous, and destructive. Even holy writ warns against it: “Cease to find fault with one another.” Once upon a time, she was young, beautiful with a firm body. You swept her off her feet, proposed to and married her. You started a family. She gained a few pounds and her figure was no longer as firm as you would have liked it. But she gave you children. So she gained a few pounds; so what? She is still the same loving woman you wooed. Her name is still the same name. Don’t ruin your own love relationship by finding-fault with your partner. Fault-finding comes in many forms and is so powerful it can easily destroy a perfectly fine love relationship. Here is a true story taken from a counselling session with a foreign client of mine years back.

 

In his world travels, a businessman had met many women from various backgrounds but never considered a long-term relationship with any of them. “I didn’t care,” he said. “All I wanted was to have fun.” One day when he was back in his own country after returning from another business trip, he met a younger woman. Because of her age, he was unsure how to handle her, so the businessman decided not to communicate with the young, attractive woman again. But something happened. The man couldn’t get the young woman out of his mind. There was something about her that drew him to her like a magnet. According to the man, it was like nothing he had ever experienced before. He contacted the young woman and they decided to have their first date. Before the date, the businessman was a little apprehensive. When they had gone out, however, he realized that he liked her and wanted to get to know her better.

“I don’t know what got into me,” he said, “but for the first time, I did not try to sleep with a woman on a first date. I wanted to get to know her.”

The young woman introduced him to her parents. The young woman’s father did not care for the man, but her mother accepted him despite the age difference (her daughter was eighteen). As their relationship blossomed over the next few months, their feelings for each other became stronger. Then the inevitable happened—the man began to find fault with his young girlfriend. He explained to me that she was too young, even though they had discussed marriage when she turned nineteen. I could feel that he was struggling with his emotions. He was obviously frustrated.

When I asked him if it was legal to marry a woman that age in his state, he said, yes. He proceeded to tell me how much he loved the young woman and how much she loved him. He said that when he was away on business, the young women never went out on dates with other guys. And he admitted that he had never felt so strongly about any other woman—ever. It sounded like he was in love.

“Does your girlfriend have a problem with your age?”

“No,” he replied.

“But you have a problem with her age,” I said. He nodded. “Do you see what is going on here? The problem is you, not her. If you want to be with her, you’ll just have to give yourself time to adjust to her age. She doesn’t have to adjust to your age because she’s already accepted you.”

To make a long story short, after a few sessions with this man, the real problem emerged. He had created an obstacle for himself by finding-fault with the young woman. But the problem was not really her age; it was his fear of being hurt. The man was afraid that since the young woman he cared about was so young and beautiful, she might leave him for a younger man. Fear had caused him to find fault with his young girlfriend.

“Has she done anything to give you the impression that she would leave you or cheat on you?” I asked him.

“No,” the man replied.

“You have made an assumption that she might leave you,” I said. “It’s okay to make assumptions. That’s human nature. But do you have any proof of this? Hasn’t she demonstrated her loyalty to you?”

The man paused for a minute and then exclaimed, “You are right!”

 

What I have just described is an example of what fault-finding can do to couples. At other times, it is done by parents of couples. I have often witnessed scenarios similar to the following one:

 

A Jewish woman meets a Liberian man. According to her, he is the type of man she has always prayed for. Despite their love for each other, the woman claims her parents will not accept her man because of his race. Soon they part ways. Mom and Dad don’t not want their daughter married to a man from another race.

And the potential to find fault goes on and on.

 

 

Lies: Telling lies is extremely offensive to most people. But what’s offensive isn’t the act of telling a lie; it’s the underlying meaning of the falsehood. You tell someone that you will do something but you don’t, and then you justify your lack of action with excuses. What you are really saying to that person is that he or she isn’t worth your commitment, your time, or your esteem. Lying in any form, in or out of a relationship, is insulting. But there’s more! When your partner catches you lying, what do you think will happen? Lack of trust is extremely damaging to any relationship.

Dissent: In all love relationships, two people decide to become one—one in purpose. If you and your significant other oppose each other, it really means you are not one. You are not a team. And we all know that in any game or event, when teammates oppose each other instead supporting one another, the team fails to win. In business, dissent is perceived as opposing a company’s policies. If you are against someone you are supposed to be one with, what do you think will happen? Similarly, if you oppose someone you say you are in love with, what do you think will occur to the relationship? Of course  it will not last.

Red Flag! Avoiding Toxic Relationships

Article Author: Ernest Quansah

The end result of a toxic relationship is devastating and may require some form of healing or counseling. It is the kind of relationship that can leave you emotionally drained, sap your energy, and leave you severely broken-up, spiritually as well as emotionally, leaving you with a feeling of emptiness. In many cases victims may feel the need to seek revenge.

The victim’s symptoms may be anger, discouragement, frustration, emotional pain, the feeling of not being beautiful or desirable, loss of hope, being afraid to trust and the wish to give up. Men and women who inflict devastating pain on their partners show signs of having been abused themselves, in one form or another as children, and as adults, have not healed before entering the field of relationship.

The red flag to look for when you are in a relationship with a person who may be a threat to your emotional health are mood swings, short temper, inconsistent behaviour, denial, and impulsive behaviour. The abuser will sometimes acknowledge that the way he or she is treating you is wrong but may not be able to take the necessary steps to stop the behavior. When they do try, they give up very easily. When confronted about their abusive behaviour, they often say things like, “Oh, you are blowing everything out of proportion.” They blame their partners and will not accept responsibility.

Clearly, one should be able to notice the inconsistencies in that person’s behaviour and words. Abusers are not able to feel the pain they inflict on their partners. This is because they have a personality disorder. Their compassion is not very deep due to the damage caused by the abuse they experienced in their childhood. I have found that many of these abusers say they have never been loved or cared for before. Thus, they themselves do not know how to care for or love a person they are in a relationship with.

Often victims do not understand why they are treated in such a horrible way, feeling as though they are the cause of what is being done to them. You must never think like that under any condition. You should not blame yourself for being abused. What you need to understand is that a person who does not know how to care or love cannot love or care for you. Am I making sense? One cannot give you an orange if one does not have an orange to give you.

As a victim, you need to understand the risk in having a relationship with a man or woman who has not resolved what happened to them in the past. There are many cases where the abuser will be in a potentially perfect marriage, but the next thing you know, they will leave. Often when there is something good in their lives, such as a good love relationship, they will destroy it by the attitude they exhibit in the relationship.

Toxic relationships can be between same-race or interracial partners. How do you avoid these kinds of relationships? The best way to avoid a toxic relationship is to not even get involved; they can destroy your immune system. The safest approach to not getting involved is eliciting and following your intuitions when you meet a love interest. Your intuition is your inner guide to your own safety and happiness. For example, as you consider being with a person, take the time to ponder if you should spark up the relationship.

Another way to avoid a toxic relationship is to feel out and test the person thoroughly. I say this for a reason, since most people will reveal their true character within a few weeks to about three months. This is why I suggest that, before you agree to a love relationship with a person, take the time to get to know the person very well.

 MY ADVICE: The feelings of anger and frustration that victims may feel from an abusive relationship are normal. Let me put it this way: If a stranger calls you stupid, it may offend you, but not for long. Why? Because you do not know the person, have feelings for the person, or care about them. On the other hand, when the person you are sharing your love with calls you stupid, it hurts much more, doesn’t it? Do you understand my point here?

If you are in a toxic relationship, both the victim and the abuser MUST seek help. If you, the victim, decide to leave the relationship, you must seek help so you can heal. Here is why: Because you have been hurt so much, if you do not get help, you may end up retaining the anger and taking it into your next relationship where you may become the abuser. In some cases, you may come across your true soulmate and yet reject the person because you cannot trust anyone anymore. Even worse, the negative feelings you have can drive your friends away. Know that no one wants to be around bitter or negative friends. Am I right in saying that? Keep this in mind as a victim: if during the past month to a year you have been abused, it will take time to heal. The minimum amount of time you will need to heal is about four to five weeks if you are communicating with or seeing an advisor on a daily basis, during which time you should pour out your feelings. Cry if you need. It is all part of the healing process. It is very important that you heal so that you can love and trust again, but in order for that to happen, you the victim must commit to the healing process. I will suggest that before you look for a new partner after you have healed, please invest time in a soulmate love relationship. It is worth it. There are so many benefits in soulmate relationships. For example, soulmates bring out the best in each other. They nurture each other’s souls and spirits and much more. Good Luck.

Inside the Mind of a Controller

An “I-It” relationship is where the one makes all efforts to control the other. So what goes on in the mind of a controller? The “I” person in the relationship considers themselves superior to the “It” in the relationship and believes he or she needs to be controlled. Some have a need to dominate others because it makes them feel strong and powerful. Many try to control their partners because they’re afraid. They fear, for example, that their partner will leave the relationship for someone else. If a person has been cheated on in the past, they might try to control their partners in an effort to prevent being cheated on again. The problem is that this behaviour is counterproductive.

Most people don’t want to be controlled or told what to do or how they should conduct themselves. But there are those unique people who want to be controlled in a love relationship. These people thrive in the arms of their controllers. To them, being controlled by their lover is a sign that their love is strong. The following true story illustrates this point:

One day, Chris and Mary were out driving. Suddenly, an argument erupted.
“You are not tough enough,” Mary yelled. “I can’t be with you. I need a strong boyfriend.”
Chris was stunned.
A few days later they went to the supermarket. When they arrived home, Chris got out of his car and said, “Hurry up and get out of the car, and bring the groceries with you!”
Mary batted her eyelashes and smiled at Chris.
“Is this the way you want me to talk to you?” Chris asked.
“I appreciate it,” Mary replied. “At least you’re trying!”
How to spot controllers

Just as cheaters can be spotted, so can controllers. The secret to spotting a controller is to look for certain signs. Some of these are, when you are in a relationship or marriage and are required to call your companion frequently to apprise him or her of:

  • When you will be leaving to go somewhere, such as the store or work
  • When your shift has ended
  • When you leave work for home
  • When you will be arriving home.

The above are red flags signaling big problems ahead!

How else can you know if you’re involved with a controller? There’s a good chance this is happening if your partner asks you questions like:

  • Where have you been?
  • What were you doing? I have been calling you but getting no answer.
  • Who were you talking to? I called but your line was busy.
  • Why didn’t you answer the phone when I called a few minutes ago?
  • Where were you? I came by your house, but you weren’t there.
  • Who were you with?

Do you notice how the controller makes accusations without any evidence at all? For example, “Who were you with?” There’s a good chance you’re involved with a controller if your partner comes to visit you in your home and tells you that you should move the loveseat, move the TV, etc. If you pay attention to a controller’s words, you will notice that they smack of intrusiveness, suspicion, and presumption. What the controller is really telling you is that you can’t think for yourself and need him or her to think and make decisions for you.

It’s difficult to change a controller’s behaviour because most controllers fail to realize (or refuse to accept) that they are what they are. Why put yourself through all that pain? Recognize the signs, listen to your intuition and choose to avoid the controller altogether. Controlling your companion can kill your relationship.